Considerations in the Decision To Stay Involved with the Team

By Christine Pinalto with Kelsey Ruffing, MA, MS, LCPC and Matt Brown, PhD

The decision to stay involved with the team following medical disqualification/retirement can no doubt be a complicated one. On one hand, your teammates are your people and not having that same team connection would no doubt have an impact on your relationships, but on the other hand being present with a front row seat to watching others continue to compete when you no longer can do so personally, well that can feel flat out painful, if not torturous. 

Knowing you have so much more to offer your sport in your mind makes it especially difficult to cope with the reality that you aren’t going to be able to go out on that field, on to that court to compete personally. No doubt, you don’t want to make your teammates feel bad, but the reality is, it’s impossible not to feel envious despite your good intentions to be a supportive teammate. 

So do you put yourself in that situation knowingly, believing the alternative is worse? Or do you take a leap of faith and make a clean cut to give yourself the space to focus on working through the grief of your loss without risking pouring salt on that wound on the daily? 

The decision is a very personal decision and there is absolutely no one right answer that fits all. In fact, things may change and evolve and the right answer for you now may shift for you down the road. You shouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself one way or the other. Instead, we recommend that you give it thoughtful consideration and step forward with the decision you feel is best for you without letting outside pressures dictate your next move. Others may have an opinion on the matter, and it is absolutely wise to give every consideration to the thoughts of those who know you best, however, only you can decide what is best for you in this decision. 

Knowing what a confusing decision it can be, we at Sidelined USA wanted to give you a resource to help you think through some of the most important factors worth your consideration. We’ve come up with a list of ten questions to ask yourself as a sidelined athlete thinking about staying involved with the team and five things to remember once you’ve made that decision. 

We hope these are helpful to you as you take some time to decide what’s best for you. In providing you with such a thorough list, we acknowledge that you may feel overwhelmed with so many things to consider. As you read these, keep in mind, you can’t know with 100% certainty the answers to any of these questions. That’s okay! You don’t have a crystal ball to accurately predict the future and the impact of your decision. Just do your best, at this moment in time, to give these questions your every consideration in order to help you feel as confident as possible in whatever decision you land on. Down the road, if you change your mind and make a different decision that is best for you, that is perfectly fine! 

10 Questions to Ask Yourself as a Sidelined Athlete Thinking About Staying Involved with the Team 

1. What would the impact be on my social life/connection to friends? 

Would some distance be a healthy thing for me? 
Or would complete separation make it worse? 

2.  What impact would this have on my routine/schedule? 

Could I be excited to determine my own routine? 
Or would the team routine/structure be healthiest for me during this transition time? 

3.  What impact would this have on my mental health? 

Either option presents its own difficulties, but would I anticipate that one decision would be more challenging to my mental health?

4.  What would mental health support look like if I stayed involved? If I didn’t? 

Is there mental health support for me with my coaches, my athletic trainer, my school’s counseling team? 
How does that potential support or lack of support play into my decision? 
If I don’t have mental health support available through my team, where else can I access it? 

5.  Will staying involved with the team prolong the process of me having to deal with the reality that I can’t compete anymore personally? 

Would staying involved with the team delay the inevitable and slow me down from accepting my new reality? 
Or will it help wean me out of it more slowly so I don’t have so much change all at the same time? 

6.  Am I making the decision out of unhealthy motivators? 

Fear? . . . Fear of the unknown, fear of loss of connection, fear of stepping out and doing something else? 
Avoidance? . . . Avoidance of having to deal with the emotions, avoidance of grief, avoidance of the reality?
Anger? . . . Pushing away others out of unfair resentment? 

Alternatively, am I leaning towards this decision as a way of advocating for myself and what I think is best for me?

7.  Would staying involved help me to “finish well”? Is there unfinished business that could be alleviated a bit by staying involved?

While not ideal, would at least staying involved help me to experience a part of what I’ve worked so hard for all these years? (Examples: finishing out your senior season with your peers, getting to go to tournaments you’d been looking forward to?, etc.)
Or is my unfinished business impossible to achieve without being able to personally compete? 

Does staying involved with the team allow me to have a sense of forward motion, or even evolution and expansion as a person? 
Or do I feel the opposite when I think of staying involved with the team (stuck, trapped, at a standstill)?

8.  What would it look like if I did stay involved with the team? 

What kinds of roles are possible? (Team captain, student coach, social media, manager, student athletic trainer, etc.) 
What role could be meaningful to me? 
Would it help me to reinvent myself a bit? 
Do I think I would have the support, understanding and flexibility I need from my coaches? 

It’s not selfish to ask whether you’ll gain emotional currency by being around the team. If you stick around out of guilt or a sense of obligation, there’s a pretty good chance that sadness will linger and resentment (then probably guilt for feeling that way) will become the most prominent feeling. At that point, you probably won’t like the version of you that the team is getting. Conversely, if you feel a sense of happiness and pride in supporting and helping your team, you’ll gain back from it, and the team will get your best self.

9.  How would I fill my time if I didn’t (stay involved)? 

Are there other activities I could see myself trying out in the near future? 
Would a period of down time be good for me? 
How could I safeguard myself to better to reduce the risk of spiraling into deep isolation/depression?

10.  What are the realities I need to prepare for with the decision I am leaning towards? 

Potential realities of staying involved: feeling trapped in a cage on the sidelines, triggers, I may not connect with my team in the same way, I will probably feel envious of my teammates , can I be happy in a different role? 

Potential realities of not staying involved: isolating tendencies, dealing with FOMO (fear of missing out), need to create my own schedule/routine, need to be very intentional to connect with others.

Realistically, what trigger points do I need to prepare myself for? 
Can I write myself a note of reminders? . . . Something I can read back to myself during those triggering times to keep my head straight? 

5 Things to Remember Once You’ve Made Your Decision

1. There’s no shame either way -- Trust your instincts. What you feel like you need is probably the best barometer.

Perhaps you could consider some time away from the team during the initial stages of the grieving process and then reassess after you’ve had a chance to grieve for a bit, as then your heart and mind may be more open to it.

If you decide to stay involved with the team, leave room for a pivot if it turns out not to be the healthiest thing for you. It’s hard to know for sure how you’ll feel until you’re actually in that situation. It’s okay to have an ‘out clause’ if staying around the team brings clarity to your feelings/needs and you discover it might be better healthier not to be.

2.  In either decision, it is important to advocate for yourself and build out your support circle.

3.  Be realistic and patient — it will take time to develop new passions and find the same kind of fulfillment your sport once provided.

4.  Self-monitor for mental health struggles. Know the signs of deeper concern and ask for help when you need it. 

5.  What you are going through is very difficult. You have the right to grieve what is lost. Take the time to talk to someone about what you are thinking and feeling and remember, there are professional therapists and sports psychologists who are trained and experienced with helping athletes like you work through your loss. 

A Final Word of Encouragement

As much as you are in the process of grieving, you are also in the process of re-invention. It is perfectly okay for the two to exist simultaneously but don’t rush past the grief process. It will likely be your companion for some time and that is okay. When grief comes, let it out in healthy ways.

At the same time, don’t let your grief stop you from dreaming up a new future full of new possibilities. A final word from Matt Brown, PhD: Understand that you will feel lost before you feel free. Don't be afraid to feel lost and don't avoid it altogether . . . if you are intentional during the "lost time", you can start to re-conceptualize yourself, the future and your place in it.

❤️💙

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. Neither Sidelined USA nor its affiliates provide clinical or medical care of any kind via their relationship with Sidelined. At no time should a user have an expectation of clinical care or professional services offered or rendered.