Guilt, Shame, and the Sidelined Athlete
by jackie allibone, former collegiate lacrosse player
As a former sidelined athlete I can tell you that guilt and shame were very specific feelings I experienced when I medically-retired. At the time, I really didn’t feel like I had the right to grieve and I was ashamed of how depressed I had become. I didn’t realize that it was normal - more importantly - that it was OKAY to be mourning the end of my athletic career. Changing the narrative starts with understanding where the guilt and shame behind medical retirement comes from.
An athlete’s natural mindset in performing is to overcome and defeat opponents. To win. But what happens when you can’t even compete?
Did we lose the game of being an athlete?
Are we considered weak, or quitters?
My short answer to this is - No way.
The longer answer is - Your guilt and shame about your athletic career ending before you ever anticipated it would, is coming from a place of wondering what you’re supposed to take accountability for.
As athletes we took accountability all the time for our fitness, our schedule, our skill level, our dedication to our sport . . . but medical retirement is not about taking accountability. Medical retirement is about taking a step forward in a new direction that better serves your overall well being.
This decision, whether voluntary or involuntary, is NOT your fault. There is no one to blame. It can be so hard to see that right now. I remember everything not making sense to me too. But you will overcome this and your experience as an athlete will help you get there.
1. FEELING LIKE A QUITTER
When pursuits you dedicated a good portion of your life to feel unfinished it’s really easy to label yourself a quitter. Athletes are known to push through and attempt to beat the odds. So when we can no longer participate in something we invested so much of ourselves in, we tell ourselves we gave up.
When you medically retire from sport, whether it’s due to injury, chronic illness, or mental health, you’re actually battling many things at once. Whether a doctor told you that you physically can no longer perform, or you made the wise decision to prioritize your mental health over continuing to compete in your sport, your health comes first here.
It’s important to remember to not quit on yourself as a human being.
You are worth more than your career, always.
You didn’t quit. You didn’t “give up.”
You chose YOU and your health, and that’s admirable.
2. FEELING LIKE IT’S YOUR FAULT
“Did I not train hard enough?”
“Did I train too hard?”
“Should I have gotten a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th opinion?”
“I made this decision to step away, but what if I regret it?”
“Did this happen because I did something wrong?”
The more time we spend questioning ourselves, blaming ourselves, and feeling guilty the more clouded we become on what is the reality. This is where the accountability factor comes in. We’re searching for clarity on how and why. Truth is, it doesn’t matter what the reason is for your medical retirement from sport, it’s valid.
And guess what - IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Your only responsibility in this situation is managing your health. Analyze what is best for you. It won’t always be easy. Medical retirement is never easy. It was never a choice when it’s between your long term health (mental or physical) or your athletic career. This time in your life is not about fault, it’s about giving yourself permission to heal. Learning to do this will benefit you throughout your life.
3. FEELING LIKE YOU’RE LETTING PEOPLE DOWN
It took me a long time to process this one after my career-ending injury. I felt like I was letting my team down by being hurt and not being able to help them anymore. I felt like I was letting my coach down because she invested scholarship money to have me as a student-athlete on her team. I felt like I was letting my best friends down by being miserable and sad. And I felt like I was letting my family down by struggling to move on.
If any of the above resonates with you, I’m sending you all the support and understanding in navigating this. From my own story and perspective, none of the thoughts that ran through my head about letting certain people down were actually true.
While my medical retirement was important and meant something to me, it didn’t carry the burden and weight that I thought it did for others. While this can unfortunately result in some other issues like lack of awareness and support from others, I want to focus on the “burden” part...
You are NOT a burden because you’re going through something, or because you got a scholarship and then got hurt, or because you’re holding space on the sideline rather than on the field. It’s important that you feel safe and supported around people who care about you, not guilty for unfortunate circumstances.
4. FEELING SELFISH
If you have been a competitive athlete since a young age, or have had to travel near and far to remain dedicated to your sport, or have been recruited to play in college or go pro, there’s a good chance you truly loved being an athlete. You and your family invested time, money, and training to reach your personal goals. Becoming medically retired can make all of that effort seem pointless. Cue the guilt of sacrificing your, and maybe your loved ones’, time and money for something that never came to fruition. Cue the regret on top of a situation that is already so painful.
a. Doing something you loved because it made you happy or because it produced other healthy benefits that fulfilled your life was in no way selfish.
b. If people who truly care about you helped you achieve your athletic goals along the way by investing time or money in your journey, it’s because they want to see you happy doing something you love. It’s because they believe in you - and they would support you in whatever you decided to do as long as you were happy.
c. You may not have gained the exact path you dreamed of or invested in, but you gained values, friends, and tools that will last you a lifetime. IT WAS WORTH IT.
5. FEELING LIKE YOU LOST MOTIVATION
So, you’ve medically retired and now all of your resources to stay in the specific shape you were in as a highly competitive athlete are gone. Or . . . you have limitations now due to medical reasons. Or . . . you no longer feel like you have anything you’re working towards. You start to feel like you’re lazy. Guilt washes over you as you feel lost in how to train or why to train and can’t muster up the desire to workout.
Ughh this is probably one of the toughest effects of medical retirement. “What’s my motivation now?” which can also translate to “What’s my purpose now?” if your identity was tied to being an athlete. BUT, you’re in the adjustment zone. Try to remind yourself that this is all new and you’re in the process of figuring it all out.
It is a PROCESS. It will take time to find a new rhythm, just like it took time to develop as an athlete. Work with your athletic trainer, physical therapist or doctor to set realistic goals and don’t be ashamed if you don’t feel as driven at the moment. As athletes, a lot of the time our purpose for working out was performance-driven but applying the purpose of health as motivation to work out can be extremely beneficial in the long run.
6. FEELING WEAKER THAN/ COMPARING TO OTHER ATHLETES OR YOUR “OLD SELF”
We’re often measuring ourselves against other athletes or teams in sports. Who is more skilled? Who can swim faster? Who has the higher gameplay IQ? Of course there is a high chance we will compare ourselves to others in terms of the severity of our injuries, our reasons for retirement, our remaining options, — or even compare ourselves to the athlete we used to be.
If you’re feeling ashamed that there was another athlete who had a similar injury or illness and they were able to bounce back, I get it. All those thoughts going through your head like, “Am I weak?,” “Did I just not have what it takes and they did?,” and “I remember when I was at my peak and I am nowhere near that anymore.”
Whether the person you make comparisons to is another athlete or yourself, it can be really easy to discredit all of your hard work and reduce yourself and your entire career to your medical retirement. But don’t, because you’re not what happened to you. Everyone’s path is different and comparison takes away from the unique perspective you have gained (or will gain) that is yours and no one else’s. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true.
7. FEELING RELIEF
If you have been burnt out, pushing hard through pain, or have had mental anguish from being a high performing athlete, you may feel a little relief throughout the process of your medical retirement. With that may come some guilt. You could begin to question a lot such as if you deserve support as you navigate this new chapter if you are somewhat enjoying the freedom you have from something that was once challenging and stressful.
You’ve been through a lot. If you’re feeling relief, chances are you’re just closer to acceptance of what has happened than you realized. Whether you were having a lot of discomfort or you had crippling anxiety from sport - consider your relief as reassurance that you’re on the right path.
Try not to feel guilty for making a decision that was best for you. You’re still an athlete. You’re still tough. You dedicated your heart and soul to something for a long time and your relief is justified. You can exhale and give yourself space and time to adjust.
It’s going to be a process to move forward and feel all of these emotions. But the one thing I want you to remember, is that you WILL move forward. Try not to blame yourself. Be kind to yourself.
You’re not a burden because you feel low or tired, or because you need help.
You’re not to blame because your athletic career ended.
This happened and it hurts.
Be careful with how you come to terms with all the change. Carrying unnecessary guilt won’t be a solution to the pain, it will just keep you from healing sooner. There is nothing wrong with you and the fact that you’re struggling with this. From one sidelined athlete to another, it’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. Neither Sidelined USA nor its affiliates provide clinical or medical care of any kind via their relationship with Sidelined. At no time should a user have an expectation of clinical care or professional services offered or rendered.
Jackie Allibone
Former collegiate & sidelined athlete, Temple University Lacrosse
Facilitator, Connection Group, Sidelined USA
"When I found Sidelined USA, it was 10 years post my medical retirement. The first thing that ran through my mind when I discovered this organization was, "If this existed when I had my career-ending injury, my recovery and grief process would have looked VERY different". I just knew I had to reach out and get involved. Through connecting with Sidelined USA, I have had the honor of becoming one of their connection group leaders. Being able to use my experience as a sidelined athlete to make a positive impact on another athlete's life is such an incredible full-circle moment - turning my unfortunate circumstance into a meaningful resource. I can't rewrite that dark time in my past but it can be used as a guiding light for someone else's future. I am truly grateful this program exists now so that MDQ athletes have a place they feel understood and can call home."